Tempted To Go Back
“You could make enough money to pay your bills if you just went back for one night”.
I had this very thought about returning to work in a strip club WHILE I was leading Treasures and walking alongside other women on their journey out. My ex-husband had just left and I was a single mom, on the brink of bankruptcy, and on the verge of losing my home. Circumstances were prime for a temptation like this.
I tell you this because I want you to know that thoughts of going back are completely normal. And it’s not just the sex industry. Anytime we leave a dysfunctional relationship, addiction, or any unhealthy pattern of behavior behind, it is normal to think about going back. It’s human nature to want to return to what is familiar, even when it’s not good for us.
But, I have seen women allow shame about even having a thought like this send them into an absolute tailspin of second guessing their progress and even backtracking.
The truth is, we can’t control the thoughts that pop into our minds, but we CAN control how we respond to them.
We can choose to give our thoughts power by replaying them, again and again, and even acting on them. Or we can choose to refocus our thinking and reorient ourselves to a path of healing, growth and freedom.
If you find yourself tempted to return to a relationship, situation or behavior that you know you need to stay away from, here are some hopefully helpful strategies to keep you on the right track...
Get Curious
In many cases, the temptation itself is an indicator of an unmet need. Ask yourself, “What’s really going on here? Am I bored? Lonely? Worn down? What do I actually need?”
So often, we try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. Perhaps there is a healthier way to get your needs met. Going for a run or a hike might just give you the adrenaline or endorphin boost you are looking for. Spending time with someone who shares your desire for growth might help you feel less isolated.
In my case, what I actually needed was money for formula for my baby. I called a friend, we laughed at the absurdity of the temptation I had, and she took me to buy groceries. I also spent time building my faith by reminding myself that God is ultimately my provider and as I followed Him, He would show me a way through the tough season I was navigating. (BTW, He did!)
Count the Cost
You walked away for a reason. Take some time to remember why. What did it cost you to stay in that situation, relationship or behavioral pattern?
Specifically, when it comes to the commercial sex industry, the money can be good but the price is high. Yes, I have thought about going back, but I have never regretted my decision to leave.
What would happen if you did go back? Where might you be in 6-months? Would you be closer to your goals and dreams, or further from them?
I know a man who keeps a letter he wrote to himself in his wallet. The letter is a reminder of all of the devastation that would happen should he ever succumb to the temptation to cheat on his wife. He has counted the cost and he knows that he knows that he knows— it’s not worth it.
Remember the Dream
It’s not enough to focus on the past we want to leave behind, we need to dream about the future we want. I dreamed of a day when I would have a job I loved— one that felt meaningful. I dreamed of a healthy marriage and a strong bond with my children. I dreamed of a home filled with laughter and peace, and friends gathered around my dining table.
I dreamed of a home where we could handle conflict with respect and navigate the storms of life with hope and faith. I can tell you this... I am living the life I imagined.
Remembering this dream when I might have been tempted to go back to old people and old ways has kept me moving forward. In fact, it still keeps me on track because the dream I have requires that I choose joy, pursue peace, persevere through struggles and continue to grow as a wife, mom and leader.
Your dreams matters. They are worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for.
If you have never taken the time to dream about the life you want, I encourage you to start now! And if you need some more encouragement that no matter what your circumstances, your dreams are within reach, check out the video below.
Start Where You Are
Maybe you are still in a relationship or situation that you know you need to leave. Maybe you are newly out and feeling like you might be teetering back. Or, maybe you just feel stagnate, like you haven’t made much progress in a while. Your path to growth and freedom starts right here, right now, right where you are.
Your dreams, aspirations and career goals are important, and I believe that God has a roadmap for you on how to get there, no matter how far off they may seem. The only way to get to where you are going is to start where you are.
All you have to do is put one foot in front of the other. You can make the entire journey that way.
What’s your next step?
Love, Harmony
Ps. If you have worked in the commercial sex industry or been a victim of exploitation or trafficking, we are here for you! You can sign up here for a care package including a free copy of my memoir, and more info on our mentoring and support group.
At thirteen, after being abandoned by her mother one summer and left to take care of her younger brother, Harmony becomes susceptible to a relationship that turns out to be toxic, abusive, and ultimately exploitative. She eventually finds herself working in a strip club at the age of nineteen, and her boyfriend becomes her pimp, controlling her every move and taking all of her money. Ultimately, she discovers a path to freedom and a whole new life.
About the Author
Harmony (Dust) Grillo, MSW
Victim of exploitation turned UCLA honor student, in 2003, Harmony founded Treasures to help women in the commercial sex industry find freedom. Her story has been featured on NPR, Buzzfeed, and in Glamour. Her memoir, Scars and Stilettos, gives an account of her story going from working in strip clubs under the control of a pimp, to leading an organization that reaches women on a global scale. She can be reached at @HarmonyGrillo @TreasuresLA on social media and at www.HarmonyGrillo.com.
