Healing From Trauma: I left my body behind
A Trauma Survivor’s Experience With Somatic Therapy
I am a therapist’s dream. Maybe I will run that by my therapist for verification when I am done writing this, but I am pretty sure it's true. I am eager to openly and vulnerably process what needs to be processed. I am quick to identify root causes of my behaviors, open to reflection and feedback, and tenacious in my pursuit of healing.
One of my greatest coping mechanisms has been intellectualization. Factually and logically, I can assess the impact trauma has had on my life. Ask me how I am feeling… I am usually stumped. But all in all, I am a pretty good candidate for talk therapy.
And yet…
On my journey to healing from trauma, I left my body behind.
No shame here. Just naming what happened.
Debilitating, chronic pain in the form of sciatica was my first clue. During a time when I would have liked to have been walking around with my son on my hip, giving him piggy back rides, I was writhing on the floor, sobbing and wishing I could escape my body. Endometriosis and interstitial cystitis explained some of what was happening. Laparoscopic surgery for endo reduced the frequency and intensity of the pain, but it was (and is) still there- constant, relentless pain, taking up space in my life and chipping away at my mental and physical capacity.
One day, my physical therapist commented on how tight my psoas is. Recognizing this is a place where many survivors of trauma store tension, she recommended somatic therapy. This began my journey of bringing my body along on my journey to healing. There has been a lot of catching up to do.
For me, one impact of trauma has been a severing between my mind and my body. This helped me survive. It also led me to dissociate from my body for most of my life. Even now, when I pause to scan my body for pain and tension, I am often surprised to discover the level of pain I am actually in and the extent to which my muscles are bracing (which, btw, I have learned is a freeze response). In order to go about my day in spite of the pain, the ability to disconnect from my body has served me. Except that it hasn’t.
This leads me to clue number two… in March of 2023, I was rushed to the hospital due to a bizarre set of symptoms and ultimately diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder that has been quite disruptive to my life. What I have discovered is that when we don’t give our body what it needs, ultimately, eventually, it will do it for us.
There are only a handful of treatment centers in the world that treat this diagnosis and thankfully, one of them was here in LA. Guess what one of the primary focuses of my treatment plan turned out to be…
Somatic therapy!
I have long believed in the importance of a holistic approach to recovery. We are body, mind and spirit. I have dedicated the past 25 years to healing and renewing my mind while nourishing and strengthening my spirit. It took me a while (and that is okay), but I am finally ready to bring my body along for the journey.
The journey of embodiment begins with compassion.
Our bodies have carried us through so much. They have held so much. Even and especially those things we were not ready to face.
In a world that is constantly telling us that we need to fix and change and modify our bodies in order to conform to current and fleeting beauty standards, I would like to invite you into something counterculture. I would like to invite you to listen to your body with compassion, kindness and gentleness.
If you feel ready or interested in incorporating somatic practices into your life, I am including the links to videos that can help you along the way.
Every body is different. As a trauma survivor, I have learned that there are some somatic practices that might be calming for other people, but have the opposite effect on my nervous system. I encourage you to start by paying attention to what is already happening in your body. And then notice how your own body responds.
If, at any point, this does not feel comfortable or feels activating in any way, I encourage you to pause and listen to what YOUR body wants and needs. ♥️
And remember…
Your body deserves compassion.
Your body deserves kindness.
Your body deserves gentleness.