Tips For Sharing Your Story
Story is powerful. When we share what we have overcome, it shows people what is possible. It gives people hope for their own lives and stories and helps them see that they are not alone in their pain and circumstances.
In the anti-trafficking movement, story humanizes the person on the other end of the dollar. It helps people understand the realities of exploitation, ignites empathy and inspires people to take action. These are some of the reasons I have felt compelled to share my own story for the past two decades.
As powerful as story can be, it is important to remember that revisiting our trauma, again and again can take its toll. If you are a survivor who is being invited to share your story, below are some things I encourage you to consider. If you are someone who is inviting survivors to share their stories, or if you are an ally or service provider, I hope this will equip you in the work you are doing.
MY STORY MATTERS, BUT IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME
I am a survivor of sexual exploitation. But that was not my true identity then, and it certainly isn’t my identity now. I have lived a lot of life since leaving that life. My story matters, but it does not define me. I am more than a survivor.
Having told my story, hundreds, if not thousands of times, I find it necessary to remind myself (and others) of this important truth.
Most of us have had to survive something in our lives. Whether it’s a history of abuse and exploitation, grief and loss, or even just the awkward and hormonally charged atrocities of middle school, we are all survivors of something. I am assuming that most of us have managed to separate ourselves from our past as awkward, hormonal teenagers. But there are other histories that are a little harder to shake.
But we are more than the trauma we have had to overcome. We are more than the work we do or the roles we play in the lives of the people we love. We are multi-faceted, wondrously complex humans with hopes and dreams, desires and longings. We are hand-crafted masterpieces; living, breathing works of art! May we learn to love, embrace and know ourselves, wholly and fully.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHARING OUR STORIES AND PROCESSING OUR STORIES
Maya Angelou says “There is no greater agony than bearing the untold story inside of you.”
Years of untold stories kept me imprisoned by silence and shame. The isolation this caused made it easier for my exploiter to manipulate and control me.
When I finally escaped that life, I found it necessary to break the silence. To tell the untold stories. Finding a way to process our pain is a critical step in recovery. But I didn’t start by telling these stories in interviews and on stages, or by dumping them into blogs. I started with safe people. With support groups and mentors, trusted friends and therapists.
I processed and processed until I reached a point when these stories were no longer an agony to bear, but elements of my past I was willing to offer to others.
Even when I decided I would write my story, that I would share it publicly, there was still more processing to be done. It took me 7 years to finish writing Scars and Stilettos. I finished an entire manuscript, only to start with a blank page at least 3 times. Now I see, the first 6 years of writing was for me. Each draft brought more insight and healing. The final draft was for others.
We all have stories to tell. When it comes to trauma, I have discovered that it’s best not to share publicly what we have not thoroughly processed privately with safe people. Because there is a difference between sharing our stories, and processing our stories.
So yes, tell your stories... but do so mindfully, honoring the needs of your own heart and healing process. Your future self will thank you for this.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHARE YOUR STORY… EVER
Your story it is a gift…
to be received, not taken.
to be held, not excavated.
You don’t owe anyone your story. Sharing your story should never be a prerequisite for the support you receive from a person or organization. Nor should it be a requirement for working or volunteering in the anti-trafficking movement.
You get to decide when and how you share your story and if you share it at all. You also get to choose which parts you want to share and which parts you don’t. This may change from day to day and moment to moment. That is okay. Again, I encourage you to honor what your heart needs.
YOU HAVE MORE TO OFFER THAN THE RE-TELLING OF TRAUMA
More than likely, if you have made it known that you are a survivor, you are going to be asked to share your story. If you decide to do so, remember this, you have more to offer than the re-telling of the trauma of your past.
When asked what topic I am being invited to speak on, the majority of speaking and media requests I receive say, “Your story .” I have come to expect this. However, I ALWAYS have a message and talking points prepared that go beyond my story. As a rule of thumb, I prepare by asking myself the following questions:
What do I want the audience to know?
What do I want the audience to do?
So, even when I share my story, I use it as an opportunity to educate and hopefully inspire the people I am speaking to. Over the years, the time I spend actually sharing my story gets shorter and shorter. Nowadays, I tend to tell the cliff notes version in under 3-minutes. And sometimes, I chose not to tell it at all. Because I have so much more to offer than the re-telling of the trauma of my past. And so do you!
Love, Harmony
