Reclaiming Your Power From a Narcissist: How to Break the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
By Harmony Dust
If you have found yourself caught in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, you probably feel worn down, disoriented and heartbroken. You might be questioning reality and you may even be doubting your self-worth. It is a painfully emotionally abusive experience.
But there is hope!
You can reclaim your power and heal from the toxic cycle of abuse.
Depending on how ready you are to make changes in your life, the next thing I have to say might be hard to hear…
It is a widely known fact, the number one recommended way to take back your power and heal is to go no contact with someone with narcissistic personality disorder who is causing pain in your life.
NO CONTACT
This means absolutely no contact.
No texts
No calls
No in-person conversations
No checking their social media profile
The unfortunate reality is, people suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very unlikely to change- even with treatment. As long as we stay in relationship with them, we will continue to experience their toxic patterns and behaviors. Don’t be fooled by their hoovering and breadcrumbing (see previous blogs).
There may be times when going no-contact is not possible. Whether it is a parent, boss, family member or someone we have to co-parent with, we are forced to continue to interact with the narcissist in our lives. In this situation, there are still strategies we can use to take our power back and avoid getting sucked into the cycle.
GRAY ROCK
Gray rock is a technique in which we keep our communication as dull and emotionless as a gray rock. Some people have suggested being more of a yellow rock is advantageous. With yellow rock, your communication is slightly warmer but still emotionless. We can combine gray/yellow rock with the BIFF method for ninja-like communication skills!
BIFF
The BIFF method is another communication strategy that keeps us from getting caught up in toxic communication patterns. It stands for Brief. Informative. Friendly Firm.
When the narcissist in your life shows up with attacks, character assassinations, guilt trips and bait for arguments, DO NOT GET SUCKED IN. That is exactly what they want you to do. They want you to take the bait.
One of my favorite quotes for dealing with narcissist is,
Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. You will both get dirty and the pig likes it.
-George Bernard Shaw
This truer than I want it to be- If a narcissist can get you to be reactive and defensive, they are already winning. Chaos and conflict is where they thrive.
And I don’t know about you, but I have already experienced enough chaos and conflict to last a lifetime. I do not need one second more of it.
So, when they come at you with their guilt, trips, hostility, or character assassinations, meant to suck you in and get you riled up, do not take the bait. Remain as emotionless as a gray rock and keep your communication Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
You must ignore all of the criticism, blame and hostility directed at you.
EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. OF. IT.
I know it’s hard. I know it doesn’t feel right to let someone attack you without defending yourself. But you defending yourself is what they are counting on to draw you back into their muddy pit of emotional abuse.
Here are some examples of responses you can use that will keep you out of that mud pit they want you in… (This is assuming you need to respond for some reason. Otherwise, no response and/or no contact is preferred.)
“Hello. I have received your message. I have not changed my mind.”
“Hi. I have considered your feedback, but I still feel the same.”
“Hello.Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I will keep them in mind.”
“I am not engaging any further on this topic.”
“I have received your message. Asked and answered.”
OF COURSE
The “Of Course” method is more of an internal exercise that grounds us back in reality when the narcissist is in a flare and begins exhibiting some of their toxic behaviors.
Maybe things have been peaceful for a while. Perhaps they have been nice lately. Just when you think the relationship has turned a corner and they have changed their ways, they ramp up again. Rather than allowing yourself to go into a tailspin, completely derailed by their behavior, you can say to yourself,
“Of course they are behaving this way. This is what they usually do when they ________, (fill in the blank)
Feel out of control
Need narcissistic supply to boost their fragile ego
Find a new recruit for their narcissistic campaign
Feel threatened or criticized
Are not getting their way
Are afraid their flaws are exposed
Are being held accountable
Are not the center of attention
The “Of Course” method does not change the behavior of the narcissist, or yours for that matter, but it does help you do the following:
It places you in the role of the observer which enables you to emotionally distance yourself from their hostile behavior.
It strengthens and reinforces what you have learned because you take the time to remind yourself of the knowledge you have gained.
It helps you predict what likely will happen in the future. So, when there seems to be temporary peace in the relationship, you can protect yourself emotionally by bracing yourself for what is likely to come next.
The more you educate yourself about narcissism, the more likely you will be able to spot it and avoid those relationships and abuse cycles.
LEAN ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM
Sharing transparently with your support system is vital. The more we share with safe people, the more insulated we will be. We need people who can remind us who we are, validate the facts, and remind us of who and what we do not want to return to.
PRACTICE SELF-LOVE
Many of us ended up in relationships with narcissists as a result of the intoxicating effect of love bombing. Even for those who are not susceptible to fantasize about idealized relationships, having someone shower you with gestures of love, attention and adoration feels good. It is not wrong to want to be loved.
At the same time, those of us who struggle with a self-love deficit are more likely to fall prey to the manipulation of love bombing. One of the best ways to make ourselves narcissist proof is to practice self-love. We can fill the deficit with acts of love towards ourselves. That way, when the narcissist comes along with their offerings of false love, we are less likely to fall for them out of pure desperation.
We don’t have to shower ourselves with lavish gifts and expensive spa days (if you can, wonderful,).
Self-love is about self-compassion, holding ourselves in positive regard, self- protection (boundaries), kindness and meeting our own wants and needs. It can be as simple as nourishing our bodies, taking time to enjoy the beauty of nature, speaking to ourselves kindly, setting boundaries to protect our well-being and having grace for ourselves when we need it.
I have a note at my desk that says, “How can I love you more?”
It’s a reminder to pause and notice what I need. It’s an invitation to practice self-love.
The more we learn to truly love ourselves, the less we’ll fall for the illusions of love that mask a narcissist’s need for control, power, and admiration. As we learn to find joy in our own company, we will no longer settle for toxic people and patterns.
May we learn to embrace solitude and discover that being alone does not mean being lonely. In fact, the practice of self-love and the enjoyment of our own compay will unlock the potential for deeper, more authentic connections with those who truly honor our worth.
And finally, may we reclaim our power from the narcissists who sought to diminish it, and heal fully from the wounds they left behind.
FREE TO THRIVE
Are you ready to break free from relationships that are holding you back?
If so, our new Recovery curriculum, Free to Thrive is for you!
This survivor developed, trauma informed curriculum provides a compassionate and comprehensive pathway towards self-discovery and personal growth.
SOURCES:
“No contact” is widely promoted and the source is unknown. Yellow rock technique builds on the widely used gray rock technique and was developed by Tina Swithin.
The “Of Course Method” is from Ross Rosenburg’s Narcissistic Abuse recovery teachings.