I always felt different from the other kids.
ALWAYS! I blocked out the molestation I experienced from neighbor girls in my early youth, but the double rape I experienced as a runaway at age 17 shaped me for years to come. I was raped two times in a week; first, violently by an escaped inmate while I was high on PCP at an outdoor party. An older girlfriend who was hiding me from the cops was also violently raped by the same guy. They took her away in an ambulance & I never saw her again. Seeking safety anywhere I could find it as a runaway, I stayed with my best friend’s boyfriend & his family. I was in shock from the first rape & unable to experience touch of any kind. The boyfriend decided all I needed was to be made love to. Softly, gently. I woke up tied to a bed while he ever so gently raped me. When he freed me… I hit the ground running and didn’t stop until I was 42.
My absolute need to control men and women led me first into stripping, then prostitution, & ultimately I found my niche as a dominatrix. I would add heavy-metal rock star to my resume before hitting bottom. I always thought I enjoyed my sex-&-drugs-&-rock-n-roll lifestyle while I was living it. But, then, my reality had been blurred by drugs since I was 12. Using drugs gave me the ability to simply forget everything bad that ever happened & gave me grandiose thinking, like I was untouchable. I liked the control people gave me as a dom. And I was very good at it.
I had 2 female and 3 male lifestyle slaves for over 15 years. Constantly telling them what to do and when to do it eventually sucked the life right out of me. Secretly I yearned to give up the control to someone else, for someone else to be in charge. But I found no one I could trust enough, no one who wouldn’t abuse the power.
Finally, the 24 years of meth abuse began to fray the edges of my mind. At 40 years old I checked into rehab. That’s where I learned for the first time that I was an addict and that I would die that way. I would spend the next two years in & out of rehabs, relapsing ever deeper into drugged depressions. I learned about the 12 steps but couldn’t get past step three. The fourth step, the inventory of my life, was so completely devastating to me, I welcomed the escape drugs gave back to me. Sobriety brought me diagnoses of Bi-Polar Disorder, PTSD and Mania. I never felt so alone. Most of my internal agony came from misplaced confidence. As hard as I tried, I could not fully trust in God to help this addict recover. I only trusted myself.
Then, Sept 20, 2008, I went to a Godchicks Conference. I learned that I did not have to die an addict. I could be a New Creation in Christ; that ALL things are made new. That if I fully surrendered my life at the cross, Jesus would take away my addictions to sex & drugs FOREVER! The truth would set me free! I took my life to the altar and prayed the sinner’s prayer and have been free from sex & drug addictions ever since.
There was finally someone I could trust, someone who NEVER abused His power. That one is Jesus. With His help I found the courage to face my past. To forgive and be forgiven. To be restored to better than ever before. To be redeemed by His unfailing LOVE!
17 months into this journey, I find my joy in God’s truth, HIS WORD! It set me free. I am now a floral designer, my first real job EVER. I am enjoying the simplicity of everyday life as I await the fulfillment of my divine purpose. I share my testimony with addicts everywhere who are still suffering, trapped in the lies; shining my light brightly in the darkness; giving freely what was given to me: SALVATION
I AM a child of God
Daughter of the King!!!
“In Treasures, I have found people who can relate to my past & help me overcome!”