WHO AM I?
I was around 12 years old when I watched my family be torn apart after my dad started drinking and being abusive. I was forced to live with my dad but his drinking and erratic behavior was overwhelming. At age 13, I made the hard choice to leave my dad and move in with my mom. My mom had remarried and I thought that life would be more stable and loving with her. I was disappointed and ended up feeling even more alone because my mom revolved her life around her new husband and had little time for me. When I was 17, l got pregnant. My boyfriend at that time said he would marry me and I thought if this happened I would feel the love I was lacking through having a family of my own. That didn’t happen. My mom took me to get an abortion against my will. I sunk into a deep depression and from that point on my life was never the same. I left the boyfriend but not long after I became a relationship addict. The only time I felt loved was when I was with a man. I would meet men usually from online dating There was nothing that I would not do to be loved. When the relationships didn’t work out I would just move to the next one. When there was no one I felt hopeless and I was very depressed. This search for love also led me into the porn industry which was something I never thought I would end up doing. The photographers and the fans filled that empty space in my heart when the men couldn’t.
I was in the porn industry for a total of 6 years. I lived with several different men during that time including one very abusive man for 3 1/2 yrs. I did anything for love and would sacrifice anything for it. However, the last relationship I was in during my time in the porn business was not abusive. I considered it healthy and I dated this man for almost 2 years and thought we would get married. He ended up breaking my heart so badly and I wanted to end my life. I didn’t think I could deal with anymore heartache and that is when I cried out to God and begged Him to show me He was real. Two days later he sent someone into my life to talk to me about His love for me. No one had mentioned God to me since I was a little girl. I knew this wasn’t a coincidence and that God was really pursuing me. My new friend told me that God sent His only son to die on the cross so that I would be forgiven of my sins and have ever-lasting life. He told me I was not dirty and that Christ’s blood washes me clean and I can start all over with a clean slate. I just had to make the choice to follow Him. That day I decided to leave the industry and the boyfriend.
With that change came a lot of unknowns. I gave up an income, a car, and many other luxuries believing that God would provide for me and He has. I didn’t give up dating right away but once I did I went into a deep healing process which included abstaining from sex and being single for 2 years. Through this relationship God’s love has just poured down on me. The bible says in Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”. I did everything I could to learn more and more about His love and the more I learned the more I recognized it in my life.
Now it is 6 years later and I have friendships that are flourishing, healing in my family and I am newly engaged to a godly man. I also use my past to help other women who have come from similar pasts. I find my identity in Christ and through this relationship is like no other. His love never ceases and the bible says He will never leave us or forsake us. He is the definition of love, the love I have searched for all my life. <3
That’s what God has done for me. That’s what He’ll do for you.
“Treasures has been one of my biggest supports since giving my life to Christ.”