Fifty Shades of Reality, through the eyes of someone who has lived it

Harmony (Dust) Grillo Blog, Featured, Home Page, Leadership, The Truth About the Sex Industry 6 Comments


by Divine Roman

Fifty Shades of Grey is not reality.

I spent 22 years working in the sex industry, 14 of which were spent solely as a Dominatrix. So, I feel like I am an expert on a subject most people only narrowly understand, if at all.

While Fifty Shades is “entertainment”, the danger is that it is enticing people to join a dark world in which they know nothing about. And it is inviting women to do it as a sexual slave under the guise of finding Mr. Wrong and turning him into Mr. Right.


The reality of the S&M (Sadism and Masochism) world is this, when you are someone’s slave, you give them COMPLETE power over you. The nature of the relationship is that the dominant person controls you and punishes you whenever they wish. They find your limits and push you past them.


imagesYou are not whisked off in jets and helicopters like some sort of celebrity who has won a prize. You are beaten and stuck in cages and dungeons. You are handcuffed and whipped until your skin bleeds and then when your master makes you beg for more, you are pushed beyond your limits of pain and left in a little ball on the floor. BROKEN! There is no mercy, there is no makeup artist, YOU have no control.


The truth is, some people like to feel pain.

I did a documentary a few years ago and one of the questions I was asked was why do people seek out pain? In my experience there are six main reasons why.



  1. LOSS: Some people have experienced so much loss and betrayal in life that they no longer feel anything. They are literally numb. Like all of us they are looking to belong and be loved. The only thing they can feel is PAIN. So the person who offers them pain is the one they love.
  2. ABUSE: Some people are taught from a very early age that pain IS love. Abuse from a parent or sibling that has never been addressed confuses the person. They have been taught that love equals pain. So if someone causes you pain, they must love you. This person will literally look for reasons to be punished so that they feel more loved.
  3. CONTROL A: Someone who was sexually abused may look to being a dominant so that they can work through their control issues. Being raped or sexually abused causes constant feelings of loss of control. In order to gain some sort of control over their life they choose to be the one (The Dominatrix) who gives the pain. The one who does the raping. Although it is technically not raping someone if they pay you to do it.
  4.  CONTROL B: People who have a lot of power often end up abusing it. Money usually comes with power and the person gets a sense of not being able to hear the word no. They treat everyone around them poorly. Deep inside they know what they are doing is wrong and they seek out a dominant. Someone they can pay to punish them for how hateful they are to everyone else. Someone who will make them hear the word NO! and enforce it.
  5. MONEY: Some people do it just for the money. In the S&M world these people don’t last long because they run into people who will happily break them and realize that no amount of money is worth the abuse they have just received. Still I will never forget the words of one of my slaves when I asked her why she liked to be abused. She said, “Sometimes it’s just easier to lie there and take a beating.”
  6. BOREDOM: Lets face it, people get bored easily. Everyone wants to try the new and improved trendy way of, well everything. You want to add a little spice to your sex life so you go out and buy some handcuffs. Next thing you know you are at swingers party with your husband and then divorced.


I think it is very dangerous to glamorize this lifestyle. Women and more importantly, young girls may entire this dark world thinking they will find their Mr. Grey and nothing could be further from the truth.


What they may find is that they are whisked away to a house and stuck in a room, never to see the light of day again. They will be forced to have sex with upwards of 20 men a day and when they are all used up, they will either be tossed to the side of the road, or get a bullet in their brain.


I know these words are hard to swallow, but this is the reality of the S&M world. Not the whole reality, because quite frankly, you couldn’t handle the whole truth; the truth that some people enjoy being hung by hooks that have pierced their skin and oh so much more. However, I hope it is enough to open your eyes to the fact that this is NOT a glamorous world where the girl gets whisked away by the rich and powerful man for a happily ever after. That she somehow changes him. That he falls in love with her and changes his wicked ways. The world of S&M is very black and white, there is not room for 50 shades of gray.


Dee Roman

Author, Coach, Motivational Speaker

Bio: Dee Roman is an author, coach and motivational speaker.  She is an avid story teller and uses her natural gift of encouragement to help people overcome insurmountable obstacles.  She believes in miracles because she is one! Nearly five years ago, Dee walked into Oasis Church deeply scarred from her life in the sex industry and a  30-year drug addiction.  It was there she came face to face with the truth: she was valued by God and had a purpose. Dee dove head first into her recovery process and started attending a variety of recovery programs, The Bondage Breakers, Celebrate Recovery, Greif Recovery and a pirate support group for ex sex industry workers, run by the Treasures Ministry in Los Angeles.  She was surrounded by love and found the courage to work through her healing so that she could use her story to help others heal. Dee has coached survivors of sex trafficking at the Los Angeles Dream Center’s Project Hope.  She is currently mentoring several women from Treasures who are transitioning out of the sex industry.  Dee also teaches The Grief Recovery Method at Oasis Church.  Read Dee’s Story.






Comments 6

  1. Stuart Wood

    This is a great article; well written, balanced & unsensational.

    I have shared it on Facebook & one person who read it said it is the best article on the subject he has read … & shared it.

    Thank you

  2. laura williams

    Honestly if you are married, who cares what they do in the bedroom. Like there is nothing wrong with hand cuffs and being kinky….some women like that. And most Christians think its wrong and dirty. But its not. Like hell its better than just laying there and having old boring missionary sex lmao

  3. Rayder

    I really appreciate this person’s insight. Since the release of these books and movie(s), I’ve seen a lot of articles on people expressing their various opinions on the S&M world, the pros/cons, how it’s normal/abnormal.

    A point Dee makes at the very end of her article uncovers what I think is one of the biggest dangers about the book, and it’s not about the sex: It’s about a woman compromising her standards and lowering her self-worth in order to be the hero in the romance story. To be the one woman that can get the unlovable man to finally become a lover. To eradicate the hate from the loner and transform him into an outgoing husband.

    This theme of a strong woman “white-knighting” a man has been a reoccurring message in several pop culture books and movies, be it “50 Shades,” Twilight, or even “Beauty and the Beast.” But the harsh reality is often these women that commit to love the unlovable… stay unloved.

    I myself was in a situation where I was with a guy for 2 years, somebody who never dated or even chased after girls, had a rough past and multiple emotional issues. This guy had that “unattainable air” about him, something that about a dozen girls tried to chase, but could never catch. But then I chased him and caught him, and I thought “This is it! This is meant to be because I’ve accomplished what no other girl could!” I believed I was his “savior,” the one to thaw out his frozen heart (No “Frozen” references now!). However, because of this attitude, I ignored my own needs and wants in a relationship, and went on this destructive “give him my all no matter what” path. It took a very loud wake-up call for me to open my eyes and realize this guy, despite all my wishing, dreaming, and personal sacrifices, had spent 30 years of his life treating women/relationships the way he did… my wishes and effort alone weren’t ever going to be enough to change that. It was like somebody had finally pulled the blindfold from around my face, me seeing for the first time, after 2 years of time and effort, that I was in a neglectful/almost abusive relationship, holding on to scraps of hope of “he cares about me and he’s changing, and as soon as _____ is over/he gets _____ job/he moves with me to _____ place/he gets ______ break in life” he’ll rediscover his emotions and everything will have been worth it.”

    As soon as I called things off with him, I saw a darkness in him I’d never expected. All “positive change” I saw in him immediately disappeared, and it almost seemed like he even slid backwards a few steps. A few members of his family even tried to guilt-trip me into going back to him, saying things like “You’re his only hope at a happy relationship!” or accused me of abandoning him just like his dad did. But I held my ground and walked away, then looked at myself and what I needed in a healthy relationship, and realized that as long as I stayed with him, I would be emotionally spent trying to “save” him, all the while never actually receiving any love in return, simply just holding on to scraps of times he was briefly kind to me, saying “See, he’s changing… I’m saving him!!”

    Once I got out of that relationship, I was able to move forward with my life, and I ended up meeting the most wonderful, loving, patient guy on the planet. A guy I didn’t need to bother with “saving,” and yet, in so many ways, we’ve learned how we’ve helped and saved each other on numerous occasions and in many ways. My relationship with him started off on a positive, loving, and respectful foot. I never had to “prove” myself, or “rescue” him, and I think that is one of the biggest traps women fall into today: that if she can find the unlovable, and turn into into a “Good Mr. Grey,” she’ll be the hero of her story and have a happy, fulfilling life.

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  4. Heidi

    Great article! This is the truth folks. I was in the sex industry for over 10 years, and was also a dominatrix. I am able to tell the story of stripping and being an escort….but I have never shared my experiences in the world of BDSM to anyone but God. They are too dark and too ugly! I wouldn’t want to put the things I’ve seen into another person’s mind. But God is good, and He’s a healer, and He weeps over both the dominant and the submissive. This is not our identity in Him…’s a world straight from the pits of hell!!! Thanks for speaking out Dee!!!

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