Nice Guys: “The Curse Of The Friend-Zone” Part 2
Nice Guys: “The Curse Of The Friend-Zone” Part 2
by Men for Treasures Director, Adam Graham
…continued from part 1.
I am bewildered when I hear women bag on “nice guys.” When I hear them make generalized comments (usually out of their own frustration) such as, “these men are timid,” “these men are afraid,” “he is too nice,” I wonder if they realize that they are communicating to the men around them that they think they are weak – a double-edged sword that makes a man feel inferior and makes the woman even less attractive to the man.
Even if there is any truth in their sentiment, by vocalizing it, they are only adding fuel to the fire instead of extinguishing it by using their words to bring life, strength, and healing. All men want to feel honored and respected by women. All of them. Women that are encouraging and supportive are always the most attractive and most Godly.
I’m even more confused when these women can’t see the Godly men in their life as more than a good friend. Many of the best relationships and marriages I know of were started in such a place. As Christians, the person we choose to be in a relationship with should not only be demonstrating, but thriving in, every single fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities are evidence of a man’s relationship with God and should be the bare minimum traits required of any boyfriend or husband. And if he doesn’t meet these expectations of the Holy Spirit, he is not a project for a woman to fix. He’s a project for God to fix. So often, I see women take on a “bad boy” as a project and give him the benefit of the doubt long before they would ever give it to the “nice guy.”
Godly, nice guys move slowly. They weigh their options. They take their time. They focus on Jesus first and foremost. They are studying your character. They are becoming students of you. They are intentional. The next time a “nice guy” approaches you or wants to take your friendship to the next level, stop and consider for a moment how much prayer, thought, and consideration has gone into this encounter. Give the guy a break.
As a man, when you’re stuck spinning your wheels in The Friend Zone it can be frustrating, even disheartening. But men, it is not a time to give up hope. It is a time to stay focused or to refocus on God. Know who He says you are…and let go of what the world, the woman you have feelings for, or anyone else may think of you.
- Purity makes you strong.
It protects your heart. It renews your mind. It makes you whole. And a whole-hearted man is one that can freely love others, just as God intended you to do. Pornography, masturbation, and casual sex are all cheap substitutes for the sex life God has designed for your marriage. Flee from these temptations in your loneliness. Sexual sin has a way of satisfying in the moment, but it distances you from God – making the dull ache in your heart even worse than it was before. It can inevitably lead to an insatiable sexual addiction, as you pursue fulfillment in your heart that only God can truly fill. Prov. 4:23, Rom. 12:2, Phil. 4:8
- Obedience makes you courageous.
When you are in obedience to God, you are on the road less traveled. You are on the path to God’s blessing. Prov. 4:14-15, Titus 2:11-12, 2 Tim. 2:3-6
- Honor makes you valiant.
And the woman God created for you won’t be able to ignore that. She’ll find it attractive. 1 John 5:14, Rom. 12:9-10, 1 Tim. 5:1-2
- Embrace your singleness.
God has you in this season of your life for a reason and he will lead you into marriage when the time is right. Don’t rush it. Consider what you can do for God during this time. What does he want you to focus on? Building your relationship with Him? Serving in your local church? Pursuing a dream? Building a career? Going on missions? Mentoring younger men? Don’t waste your single life by wishing you weren’t. 1 Cor. 7:29-35
- Surround yourself with Godly brothers.
Don’t isolate yourself. As my accountability partner jokingly (but seriously) puts it: “don’t isolate and masturbate.” Real talk. Keep yourself connected with other guys who are going to build you up and be an encouragement to you – and you to them. Prov. 13:20, 1 Cor. 15:33
- Trust God.
‘nough said. 1 Cor. 13:12
Men that relentlessly and unabashedly pursue God are strong. They are courageous. Pursuing a relationship with Jesus in this world, at this time in history, in this city, is difficult for sure. Think of all that’s required of one man in staying focused on Jesus, being a servant to others, building the local church, pursuing a dream, and then obeying the call to lead a woman in marriage on top of it…not to mention raising the family that will eventually follow. That’s a lot of stuff, but remember the rewards far outweigh the challenges.
Men: there is nothing wrong with being a “nice guy.” The world may say you finish last, but God says you finish first. Don’t let anyone (especially yourself), try and convince you otherwise.
*For further thoughts on relationships, visit: http://www.philipwagner.com/article-category/relationships/ & http://iamatreasure.com/blog