927 Days Ago on April 19, 2009
This blog is geared towards women but men may comment as well. There is a strength that can only come from a man so if you have anything encouraging or edifying to say I’d love to have your input.
I save all my church notes and private blogs on my cell phone. Tonight I went on there to find some notes I needed and decided to scroll all the way down the 58 entries to the very first one. I read it and thought I would share with some of you because I know a lot of friends who are going through the feelings and emotions I was going through over two years ago.
I was in the desert for a very long time. Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights there being tested by Satan. (Matthew 4:1-11) Satan was in my ear constantly after I left the adult entertainment industry. He told me I would never be worth anything to any man besides a sexual object. He told me I should be ashamed because I was dirty and I was not worthy of God’s love. He told me I didn’t deserve friends because I didn’t know how to be a friend and no one would want to have a friend like me. He told me I deserved death and I should just kill myself. He told me to hate myself and I did for a very long time. I ended up losing my job, my best friend, the one I loved all around the same time and my heart ached to its core. I was afraid to let people close to me after that and when I did it was because I needed to go to the ER for taking pills or I was afraid I was going to hurt myself.
I privately blogged because I was so ashamed of who I was. I was a Christian but I didn’t feel like one. Satan was filling my head with so many lies. His voice had been the only one I had heard for so many years so it was almost comforting in a weird, distorted way. He told me I was good at something and I was a “star”, a porn star. He told me people loved me when I was her. I believed lust and love were the same thing all my adult life. He tried to tempt me into going back to familiar territory. I was actually unable to work for 2 years because I was very unstable and most days unable to function. It took all my strength to just fill my dishwasher. I spent many days with my face to the kitchen floor praying, crying, drooling and just in a state of full surrender. I was a mess and all I could do was cling to Him.
Anyway this is the note I wrote to God so long ago and wanted to share. I wrote this when I was not even at my worst yet but Satan was definitely at work.
I struggle to fall asleep. I struggle to stay asleep. Why is my soul so restless, my dreams often haunting or sometimes just comically touching on my deepest fears? It seems my conscience always finds its way to interrupt what should be my peace.
My Father in heaven is around here somewhere. I want my Daddy to come rescue me from the hurts deep inside. Rid myself of this scarlet letter I carry everywhere I go. Hide the evidence because the consequences are killing me. I’m trying so hard, but perhaps not quite hard enough. I feel thankful for my many blessings but I still seem to be losing this fight. I’m restless, hungry, and longing for this thirst inside my soul to be quenched by just one drop of hope.
He is the only One who can give it.
I am trying to be a good girl, I promise. My heart may never be totally pure. Maybe I’ve seen and done too much wrong. But I need something to hold on to that will not be gone in time. I need an anchor in this storm.
God knows the longings of my heart. I pray His will on my life. It’s actually not MY life it’s His. I often seem to forget. My own earthly desires may not be a part of His plan. I hope He won’t deny me of the family I want most. I’ll try so hard to be good.
Until then… I need rest. I need peace. Help me Lord. I’m nothing without you. Give me peace or deliver me from this place. Let me see the face of the One who loves me or place a warm soft blanket around my soul.
I would often look into heaven (well, actually my popcorn ceiling in my apartment) and raise my hands in the air and talk to Him. He was listening to my cries. He didn’t heal me fully as soon as I left the industry. It took time. It’s kind of like an onion and there are layers that needed to be pealed away. God knew if the hardest part of my healing would have came first I may not have been able to withstand it and it could’ve have driven back into the arms of Satan. I also had the hardest time accepting His love. Every time we would sing of His blood or the cross I felt guilty that I would do that to my Savior. I would become short of breath and unable to sing. There was something for me to learn though in that. He did it as a sacrifice for me and no matter what I did He is choosing to love me through it. That was beyond my control. It was in spite of me.
I am at a healthy place in the point of my healing. It took a lot of hard work, persistence and clinging to God to get through it. The more I surrendered the more He was able to teach me because my heart was fully open and I was moldable. I am still healing though. I just want you all to know that there is hope and grace for you no matter what your past is.
I guess the last thing I would like to say is that He loves you. You are His beloved and lovely daughter. If you haven’t had an earthly daddy to love you or be there with you- His love is different. He is faithful to the end. He loves you like no other. Here is a verse that came to me as I was writing.
John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Satan is the enemy and He will try to steal your soul but God is in the midst bidding you to come to Him. It’s up to you to make the choice. If you have never heard the gospel and don’t know the way in which to be saved it’s quite simple. I would suggest reading the four books in the Bible that teach the life and resurrection of Jesus – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. After if you accept Jesus as you Savior (there is no way to the Father except by Him- John 14:6) and believe that He is the Son of God and came to the earth, died and was risen to save your from you sins then say a prayer to Him saying those things. It’s that simple to be saved. After that you must pick up your cross and follow Him. (Luke 9:23)
Healing is a journey. Don’t get discouraged if things don’t change as fast as you’d like them to. Most of the time you work on the things at the surface and deep- inner healing later. If you are or have been in the industry and need support in your recovery journey, we are here for you. Feel free to email us at contactcare@iamatreasure.com.
Your encouragement through the storms of leaving the sex industry are so powerful! May God continue to use you to help others out.
God bless you!
Michelle
Crissy you are an amazing writer and woman; you write with such honesty and purity. God is molding you into an incredible person to serve Him and He’s Blessed you so. He’s using you in such a special way to touch other women’s lives in and outside of the industry. Crissy you are a precious gift to all. AMAZING!!!!! Love You My Dear Friend, God Bless & Watch Over You Always.
Very moving.This may be long so forgive me. We live in the Fallen World which means Crissy that some of the anxieties /worries and regrets from the past may never fully go away in this world but they too shall pass in the next. We can all lean on Gods gifts and mercy meaning first Jesus,close friends,mentors, family that are in our mist to survive and eventually truimph.’Only when you’ve been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain’, that was Richard Nixon Aug 9,1974 on the day he was the only president ever to resign the presidency, for some reason that quote has always stayed with me.
You said you wanted a male perspective and because with all of us sometimes we get a different view from someone else looking in, maybe a male/stranger perspective,and commenting would help. I personally am awed by your story.All of us imperfect Christians are on the path,trail to Heaven. I think of it as the yellow brick road in the Wizard of Oz where the Emerald City is Heaven.I sent a twitter note to you about how you percieved your feminity differently now. I see at it as gift God gave you and all women for that matter. You never really lost it but like the yellow brick road in the your darkest moments it became covered w/leaves and debris and you got lost for a while in the dark forrest. Now you have found that God given gift and are using it in a powerful way and seeing yourself in a different light.
Finally I will say this, your leap of pure Faith is greater than mine in this regard. When you first rededicated yourself to Christ you were leaving one world where you would be mocked /ridiculed for leaving and entering an unknown world [Born again Christian] where you had to wonder if you would be accepted and rely on the mercy of God and others to fight through. This has taken you years and your still fighting through. I have never had to be put through that kind of ringer[mine are different] and in certain respects can’t completely relate. It seems like Mary Magdeline you would follow your Lord and Savior to the ends of the earth. This is why I am in awe.We all have to carry our own personal crosses but Jesus took the ultimate cross for all of us. As a man I’ve liked this saying,’I may be wounded but I am not slain,I shall lay me down and bleed awhile, then rise to fight again’. Yes life is a struggle and sometimes we take a step backward but we all have a duty to fight that part of ourselves to make this a world better place while we’re on it. Thanks for doing your part. Michael Saenz
now Crissy have many good friends,God’s protection and everybody loves Crissy,because she did a great job and has changed her life.i am happy because there is such a lovely Crissy in the world and i can comment here!
Now Crissy has many good friends,God’s protection and everybody loves Crissy,because she did a great job and has changed her life.i am happy because there is such a lovely Crissy in the world and i can comment here!
Crissy,
Your testimony is so very powerful. I am so blessed to be able to see and hear your testimony as it grows stronger every day!
J
Crissy,
I pray for you often – God has put a few people in my path throughout life where I am constantly prompted to pray for them. I know this works and am grateful because I have known people who have done the same for me, prompted by the spirit. I felt led to share something with you tonight because I have gotten it several times while praying for you: “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” – Romans 8:1. My mother once told me in childhood to repeat one scripture to myself and while I am not family, I would ask you to pray about this scripture and if it rings true that this is indeed God’s promise for you, to repeat often, so you can finally let go of any condemnation that you have may have agreed to, explicitly or implicitly, from the enemy.
Also, I want to share something God shared with me quite vividly in my teenage years and I have never forgotten since… life truly only exists in the moment. God is fully there in the present, at any moment. If you go back to the past (in your mind) or worry about the future (in your mind), you turn away from the presence of the Lord that awaits you in the moment. Here’s scripture to back it up “”My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14; “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy;” Psalms 16:11 “For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20 “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord” Acts 3:19-21 “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” James 4:8
Enjoy the wonderful present that God has laid before you, and forsake condemnation. I pray you continue to find peace that surpasses all understanding and enjoy the wonderful gift of life that he has given us.
My best,
jk
I took the time to read about your life today. I figured if someone is willing to tell a story, We should lend an ear. Abandoned by my mother at 4 months of age. For years i felt the anger of the husband she left. As a child I was severely beaten as a child. I was tossed out on the street to fend for myself at the age of 14. I made a choice i had to survive. people are always telling me your so talented and all this. I learned something a long time ago. The choices we make will have certain inherent dangers. God give us a choice the easy way or the hard way. We have to have the vision to look beyond the glamour of the fast and easy and look towards. Funny thing is while we look for love in the world we seem to find only temporary things that fill that void. At age 45 I am left here to raise 2 young children under the age of 4 by myself cause as my wife says she doesnt love me she loves the money i made. So was gods plan for me to have no real love for the rest of my life die alone. left with the task of teaching these 2 young minds about love and how to love and trust in people. I ponder what god has in store now
I write this to the sex industry workers who are struggling:
I was a porn consumer until I found Crissy’s story, and subsequently the stories of several others. I have read the articles on Crissy’s exit from the industry, listened to her radio interviews, watched her posted 515 episodes and articles on YouTube, and read her blogs. I have shed many tears and felt deep sorrow in reading, hearing, and seeing the great pain she has endured and still is over-coming. Crissy has done a wonderful thing by so fully chronicling her struggle and putting it out there in stark openness for everyone to see as an example of what can be done when you accept Jesus’ love. When in the industry, Crissy was beautiful as an object but she has left that object oriented world and shown herself to be far more than simply beautiful as a woman. Crissy is not unique; you too are not just a beautiful object but are a worthwhile and beautiful person. I care about Crissy and I care about you.
As a student, I once interned in a research laboratory at IBM for a brilliant young physicist whom I respected deeply. One afternon I was in our laboratory (darkened for the experiment we were doing) when Al returned in a depressed mood from the staff meeting. He wanted to talk and made one of those quotes that has stayed with me all of my life; “Keith – some people scorn you and tear you down just to try to feel better about themselves”. Satan’s envy was working in the hearts and words of Al’s colleagues. When Crissy was leaving the industry she had to endure the “scorn” of many of those who remained behind. I also read many comments on her various postings and testimonials calling her a hypocrite and saying horrible things about her character. As she also has said, Satan even spoke directly to her telling her she was worthless and no one would want her. My point is this – if Satan doesn’t do it himself, there will always be people who do Satan’s bidding and tell you that you are less, much less, than what you really are. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the halls of learning or in the sex industry. Just as Al had to reject the Satan’s envy of his colleagues so must you believe in Jesus’ love for you and reject the envy that Satan will direct to you.
I apologize to you, and am deeply sorrowful, for my past support for the industry that enslaved you. I will no longer support it, will atone as I can and, eventually, I will answer to God for it. I believed the lies told by the industry and let myself think the actresses loved what they were doing and were my “dream date”. Crissy and others at Treasure Ministries, The Pink Cross, and elsewhere have told their stories and exposed these lies. Please find strength in Jesus’ love, do not give up, and accept help from people like Crissy who have been through what you are experiencing now. Above all, accept the love of Jesus, and, if and when you can, tell your story too. I may not be a good Christian but I am a man of conscience and compassion who believes in the essential goodness of man. I think that there are many more men like me than like the hard hearted people who carried Satan’s envy to Crissy. Please tell us the truth so we will have the chance to do the right thing.
To you Crissy I write this:
Your story reminds me of my sister’s story. My sister always had strong faith due largely to the influence of our grandmother. Faith, however, does not prevent you from making mistakes and my sister married the wrong man. He was an abusive husband and tried to strip my sister of her dignity and sense of worth. For ten years she lived in that misery. She finally divorced him but it took her many years to recover. A single mother, she struggled to regain her self esteem and make ends meet but she never forgot her love of Jesus. When the time was right God brought a good man into her life and she now lives, richly blessed by God, with her husband and family. I see that you desire with all of your heart to have a family. You are an extraordinarily wonderful woman and, when He sees the time is right, God will make you a wife and mother. I have no doubt at all that you will be excellent at both.
Finally, as a bit of a hockey fan, I’ll try to be cute – Crissy, you made a rookie mistake but a veteran save.
I love all of you and God bless you. – Keith
I followed your postings some years back in MySpace. I was ministering to prostitutes then with a pastor. I dropped off visiting MySpace after a while due to work commitments.
It’s good to see that you have progressed through those years when you were a bundle of nerves from what I can see from your postings. Good to see that you’re doing great now!
I just read this about Rahab, whihc I’ll like to share with you:
Rahab, having been a prostitute, certainly had no illusions about herself, or other people. And after salvation, she did not have to unlearn a lot of religious nonsense, so she grew very rapidly.
Rahab married Salmon, one of the leaders of the Jewish nation. And they had a son named Boaz! So Rahab is Ruth’s mother-in-law, Obed’s grandmother, and the great-great-grandmother of David the king. (26 generations later, out of the same bloodline came Mary’s husband, Joseph, Jesus legal father.) Put all the facts together and you have a great family history.
Ask yourself, how much was the character of Boaz affected by his mother Rahab’s testimony and courage? He was known as “a mighty man of wealth”, a distinguished citizen of sterling character. And how much were the faith of Jesse, David’s father, and of David himself, influenced by the momentum established by previous faithful generations?
This is a great family, distinguished in every generation by solid believers who set the relationship with God as the top priority in their lives. They subordinated all family, business, and social life to God’s will and plan, and they enjoyed the many-generation blessings that accrued as a result.
(http://www.realtime.net/~wdoud/topics/rahab.html)
God can use you to influence successive GENERATIONS, the same way Rahab did. Crissy, think of that exalted PRIVILEGE!
Rahab was mentioned 3 times in the New Testament; Sarah, Abraham’s wife was recorded 5. Amazing, considering that she was a Canaanite (a people marked for destruction) and a prostitute. And God deliberately included her in the ancestry of Jesus.
But then again, that’s true to what God said “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: THE OLD HAS GONE, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
If Jesus has declared you innocent, YOU ARE! The matter is forever closed.
Nobody (and that includes you!) has the right to think otherwise, unless he’s trying to tell the whole world he’s holier than Jesus…
Crissy, just go tell people “I ain’t no angel coz I’m a Child of God!”
Woo-hoo!
Crissy, your story has moved me and changed my life. I have finally found the courage to discuss how I beams moved by your story. I had bought into the illusion that the sex industry creates. I allowed myself to be deluded by the dark forces of desire and selfishness. I was raised to respect women and to never raise a hand against them under any circumstance. My logical mind should have known that lives were shattered from woking in strip clubs and porn movies. I admit I was a big fan of your past work. To hear you revealing the horrors of what happened to peoples souls-the addiction, abuse and brutalization, I felt so much shame I became physically ill. My eyes became open when I realized I was a participant in these horrible acts through supporting it. I realized that my fantasies were actually nightmares in a living hell for others. Now, if I even think about porn I feel sick and start to weep. I can never view those horrible images or see some poor lost soul in pain dancing on a stage again. In your interviews about you accepting god into your life, I did not see the fantasy anymore. I saw a woman whose soul outshines her earthly beauty. An intelligent woman with so much courage and inner strength; much stronger than I. I saw a true Treasure. I can only hope to be forgiven by God. I hope I can be forgiven by you and the other poor souls who I helped desecrate through my patronage of the sex industry. I am so proud to see the changes you have made in your life and the help you give to others. You have inspired me to make positive changes in my life and to positively affect change in others who need help. I have started to donate to Treasures and Pink Cross. I will give as much financial and support as I can and participate in events to help those trapped in the sex industry to get out. God bless you Crisssy!
Amazing Crissy! God never wastes a hurt and is using your victories in healing for good and serving others. You are so brave and faithful to follow Gods plan. I have found my healing in Celebrate Recovery this past year. Ive never felt so close to God and worthy of his love as I deal with my past, define patterns of behavior and pray God removes my character defects. I am not so consumed by my past anymore but trying to live the life Gods wants for me. Thank you for your raw honest approach as you know we are all broken and its through Jesus we can be restored. God bless you and your journey. Your Sister in Christ, Andrea in San Clemente, CA.
Hi Crissy,
I watched one of your interviews where you mentioned that you were not able to get your past videos and pictures removed from the web. Regrettably, this thorn in your side will remain.
While thinking about this, I’m reminded of the resurrection of Jesus and his encounter with his doubting apostle Thomas. (John 20:24-29)
When Jesus arose from the grave, he carried on his body some man-made creations: nail holes in his limbs and a gaping wound in his side.
Why would Jesus allow the hideous marks left by wicked men to scar so pure and pristine a resurrected body. Why drag along these historical exhibits to tarnish the glorious future where all things are new?
But it was precisely these holes gouged by crucifixion nails on his hands and a Roman spear to his side that Jesus used to yanked his doubting apostle Thomas back to faith. In doing so, Jesus also pronounced a blessing on us all: “Because you have seen me, you have believed; BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HAVE NOT SEEN AND YET BELIEVED.” (John 20:29)
God can use the enduring scars of your past to further his glory in ways you cannot imagine — the movies that were made, the pictures that were shot or the clients that were serviced.
Perhaps a young girl looking at them and seeing the dramatic transformation in the new Crissy Moran will find hope and believe in Jesus. She’ll be that doubting Thomas.
We speak of the miracle of God creating something out of nothing. But no less a miracle is his ability to transform a bad thing into a good thing.
Look up Crissy. Jesus and his angels are smiling at you.
An awesome Priest once told me “There is nothing bad you can do, even on purpose to make God love you any less and when God created the universe and everything in it, this master piece of creation was incomplete until he brought you into existence. You matter, yes, you matter” I share this with the kids in my youth ministry. Love reading this story. Keep fighting the good fight, because you matter….to all of us and those who will be rescued as a result of your life story. All of you are modern day heroes.